You know, we’re aging, every time, every second, we’re getting older. But it doesn’t mean necessarily we’re growing. Oh dear, maturity is far more complex than passing a birthday to the next one, and next, and next…
We encounter so many problems through every stage of our life. One of the complex matter is–perhaps–love. Once we reach puberty and start to find that the opposite sex is attractive and then thinking that one of them could become our significant other, uhm… life has became something else. It changed, somehow.
Then, it looks so casual when we find teenagers start to flirt each other or at least spot each other’s existence more seriously. I didn’t say that is the right to do, though. There’s somehow exist some beliefs, restrictions, and norms that teach the teenagers how to encounter that hormonal-driven desire wisely.
But it doesn’t happen to every person, say it that way. Exception takes places in this world, yes. And I am one of that rare species, haha… I’m not about to say that I am asexual or so. It’s just not easy for me to find some qualities that attracts me sexually in my male-peers on my teenage years though I befriended many of them. I dreamed about being in relationship, indeed. But I build perspectives, and… some scenarios… Ahaha! But, I never be able to find the suitor for the main role 😅
That saved my youth, though, alhamdulillah… I have never
involved in that monkey love relationship, and focused on my inner conflicts, finding out the best place for me to stand on this world, or maybe the better way to say it is I was looking for the ideal path I’ll take to dedicate my lifetime in it. I’m still struggling with it until now.
It’s easy to find the ideal this and ideal that in our early youthdays. But, when I setted some scenarios about how my love story could become, I never succeded on listing the ideal qualities of the person I’d like to share my lifetime with. I never push my self on it. He might be anyone, you know, with any background. It was other people who setted it for me (thinking that what they assumed is what I want, in fact it’s not true). One of my close friends suddenly said, ” A man needs to think thousands of times before revealing his feeling for you…”
I laughed at him, and say, “You’re saying it as if there’s someone who ever likes me.”
He looked into my eyes, and said, “You know, there’re quite a few persons that I know have a crush on you. I know it. They just have no confidence because they think you must be interested to someone that at least on your level of intellectuality.”
I kept laughing at him, “Ahaha, you’re saying it as if I am that clever. They just don’t really mean it.”
Also about time, I have no target, not at all. Let it be. Let Him guides me through this.
Then time passed, my parents and relatives started worrying that I might not be married, ever, and I heard the same testimony from another person. Nobody is dare enough to ask for my hand in marriage. This time it made me thinking, am I that obnoxious that even people “afraid” of me? Afraid of what? Being hurted? Humiliated? I am not one of that geniuses or giant thinkers, or so. Even there’re so many friends of mine that are far far brighter than me who face no difficulties finding their significant other. “So, may be it is your behaviours or images that you built unconsciously that has prevented yourself ‘to be coupled on time’,” they said. (‘to be coupled’ actually is my own terminology, umm yup there’s a negative senses related to degree of freedom, indeed, :mrgreen:)
Actually, there’s one of my friend once discussing the possibility of the two of us getting married someday, but, it just didn’t work easily. Yeah, we didn’t date of course. It just happen that way, I found that he’s not serious into that. I wanna make it clear first to avoid engaging the wrong step in the relationship, so I asked, “What is it? Sorry for being so direct, but are you persuading me to become you’re wife? Are you–perhaps–proposing me?”
At that time, he just pushed me to meet and talk face to face, but he didn’t reply any word to my question. So, that’s the end. Umm, I didn’t mention some other proposals that come from the third party. I just can’t think of somebody who really wants to share his life with me but dare not to even talk the idea directly to me, or perhaps to my dad, haha. You can spot what I mean with “being serious” with me here, right?!
Ups, maybe I was too intimidating, somehow. I made people upset. But, I grow, I learn. I might be wrong before, but when it is come to this thing, I didn’t regret anything. It is not my fault if I’m still single up until now. That just… be. When people said I missed so many great opportunities, I’d like to say it in a better way, that I didn’t find my match on my previous stages of life. You know, people sometimes were given some different chances to be in relationship on their stages of life. Some gets it earlier, even some gets more than one. But for me, it might be just, my time of “crossing path” has not come yet and that’s no point of waiting or rushing. I just have to walk on with dignity, full of spirits, carrying my dreams. Maybe he’s there, a stranger that someday I’ll meet in a library or any coffeeshop, or he might be a buddy from the past that knocks the door since then we look each other differently, I don’t know. Then… dah…dah…dah… the story goes…
I learned a lot and keep learning, gaining extra lessons and reach new levels of maturity every time. Insha’a-llah I continue growing to a better person every day. I don’t want to be bothered with what I don’t have, rather I focus to be thankful for every gift that Allah sent to me. For marriage, if it’s written, I’ll hit it someday, and I am open to it, always be. I never reject any opportunity abruptly, that’s enough to answer some other friend who are questioning as if I ever sweared to stay alone forever. No, that’s not true, folks.
See…, I’m taking it easy, people. Just don’t worry about me. Pray if you will 🙂